The journey

To call 2016 the most tumultuous time in my life is an understatement.  So many things happened to me, and while they were unpleasant, they were for my good; and I am blessed because of them.

Even though I had accepted long ago that I was attracted to men, I hadn’t dealt with it and what it means; I was just acting out by having sex.  I finally started dealing with who I am and how much was taken from me when I heard the false message in church.  This was in January of 2016.

Since then, so much has changed.  My very identity of a gay man has been altered to one who is same-sex attracted (SSA).  It all ties back in to the death of David Wells.  Now please understand:  I do not blame him for my homosexual desires.  I found myself attracted to the same sex before I ever met him.  Still, his death had a profound affect on my life, that I am still feeling today.  His death and my stroke occurring on the exact same day twenty-eight years apart can’t be ignored, but I’ll be damned if I know what it means.  Then finding his grave and the Holy Spirit telling me he had a brother – I am still blown away by this.

I can finally have a rational conversation about David now without breaking down into a blubbery mess.  I miss him.

My HIV test in May 2016 turned out far better than I expected or deserved.  I conquered the spirit of fear (through the Lord) and certainly wasn’t expecting Him to tell me the results before I got them.  Again, I was finally facing what I had done and was prepared for whatever the consequences were to be, but God had delivered me.

I finally accepted that I had an addiction to internet porn (this is how I recovered the memory that I lead a gay life), and have actively began fighting it since February 2016 (right around the same time I found David Wells’ grave).  I have been more or less successful so far, with only two relapses.  The relapses seem to occur every four months, and usually are brought on by stressful situations.  I am entering in to that four month period as of this writing (March 2017) and I pray that I will break the cycle.

I still would have rather not gotten many of the memories back from my past; my grandfather, what my stepmother told me, the attempted rape, etc.; but never the less they are a part of me.  I am thankful, good and bad, for them and who I am, and to God for keeping me alive when I was the least deserving.  My friend from South Carolina has been instrumental in my dealing with my past and how it all lead to the Lord.

Discovering the meaning of SSA in September 2016 and what it is as opposed to just using the generic term of “gay” has really impacted my self-esteem.  This coupled with His revelation though, that I was free from what anybody thinks and says…I am still at a loss for words.  I am still high off it.  I still don’t know what to make of it, other than I am a child of God.

I don’t know what the future holds…only the Father does.  Will 2017 be as tumultuous?  I hope so…



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