Addiction

I hate addiction.

Having a single mother, who despite all her flaws, realized that she was overwhelmed with raising two boys, especially when it came time to teach me and my brother about the birds and the bees.  She correctly relegated this authority to my uncles.  However they were not comfortable with the ‘talk’, and instead of talking to me in love, showed me porn at the age of thirteen.

It messed me up bad.

My homosexual inclinations were already manifesting, and I was repulsed by the women having sex.  I viewed them as disgusting.  I was nauseous.  I became more interested in the men.  Porn introduced things and ideas that I would have never tried on my own; things that I shudder when I consider what I have done.  I became a habitual masturbator.

When I became celibate, I viewed porn as a reasonable substitute for homosexual vice.  I was already viewing it on occasion, but now more so.  I was now committing homosexual acts by proxy.  I had gone from an addiction to gay sex to an addiction of viewing others having gay sex.  I had my mother’s and father’s addictive personality.

I came to discover I was a homosexual after the stroke because of my internet browsing history.  Didn’t start dealing with this addiction to porn until November of last year (2015).  I started to break free in February of this year (2016).  I let my guard down in July (2016).  It happened again on Friday November 18, 2016 after a stupid argument with my wife.

I felt terrible, as though I was separated from God.  God will never leave me, but I didn’t feel His presence anymore.  It was horrible.  The guilt I felt was immeasurable.  I don’t pretend to understand the psychology of it all.  Perhaps it was pride that it been five months.  Perhaps it was sin nature, and I have to realize that I am going to have this addiction till I go Home.

I am in communion with the Lord again.  He never left me, even though I left Him, even if for a few moments.

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