Why I became celibate

I have been celibate for twelve years now. But the question I had to ask was why.  I was too pissed off at God (all gays go to hell) to have become so on my own.  I wasn’t part of some church; in fact you couldn’t have paid me to attend, except for the occasional obligatory Christmas and Easter service, and even then I was only going through the motions, to be seen as one of the faithful.  So why did I become celibate?

I had a stroke in September of 2012, where my memory was totally erased. I get memories back all the time, some of which I don’t want, but never the less, they are a part of me.  Quite often they occur in blocks, and I remember them as if they had happened yesterday, even though I know they occurred twenty or thirty years ago.  This is how I found out I was gay.  A couple of weeks ago, I got back the memory why I became celibate.

It wasn’t just an event. I had just cheated on my wife with Jason, and when I told him it could never happen again he let me know that I was only good for sex.  But that event was only the start of my celibacy.  What happened a few weeks later was darker, something that the LGBT community will rarely talk about.

Back in 2004 I worked at a TV station as a master control operator. I was a button pusher.  Yes, it’s more involved than that, but just the same it amounts to pushing buttons.  One of the on screen personalities was also a homosexual.  I will call him “Geoff”.  He was unabashed in his demeanor, flamboyantly bragging about his lifestyle.  One time I made a pass at him, and the only reason he declined was that he felt that two employees shouldn’t have a relationship.

Geoff was away for a couple of days, something which I attributed to the flu. As he was a personality and I was just a button pusher, I thought that it was beyond my pervue and didn’t give it much thought.  When Geoff returned, he looked pale and was walking funny.  I asked him how he was and where he had been.  I could see that there was something wrong.

Geoff laughed as if it was no big deal and said that he just got out of the hospital. Curious, I asked for what, thinking maybe it was a sprained ankle or something.  He was walking funny after all.  Flamboyantly, almost with pride, he told me (and I am censoring what he actually said, as it is way too graphic) that his rectum had been pulled out and had been hanging between his legs.

I was horrified. He laughed and told me it wasn’t the first time it had happened; normally when he went to the hospital after sex was for bleeding.  I was kind of in shock about the whole thing.  Yes, I had been getting away from the life style, and Jason was the only person I was with every once in a while.  But what if this happened to me?  How would I explain it to my family?  How would I live down the shame of knowing what had happened? And what if I had HIV?

So I began a life of celibacy, out of self preservation, rather than some religious nonsense. But the first eight years were extremely difficult, and there were a few times I almost gave in to my passions.  Then the stroke happened and my memories were wiped out.  I discovered again that I was gay through examining my internet browsing history.  Apart from the anger I felt, I began continuing the celibacy I began, this time through the Lord.

It isn’t easy, physically wanting one thing, spiritually wanting another.  I don’t do this to satisfy some religion, nor do I do it necessarily out of self preservation.  I have a vivid imagination and picturing Geoff still gives me the shudders.  And while this plays a part of my celibacy, I do it for God.


14 thoughts on “Why I became celibate

  1. Wow. I am new to reading your blog, and this is a most interesting story. I don’t mean to qualify your life like that- as I’m sure it has been nothing but stressful for you. But the one thing I can relate on is doing something for God, but not religion. I will be following your upcoming posts. And if I had something to say to be encouraging, I would. But honestly, I have no idea what it would be like to be where you are. So, just know you have support in your readers!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hello Bradley.
    I can admit to not being able to relate fully. I believe only a partial understanding is the best I could do.
    I hope the post at the other site was something you were able to use as a way of encouragement.
    I pray your memories of the past never overwhelm your commitment to Christ and may you continue growing in Him.


    1. Hi Mike! Thanks for responding, it means a lot! I think the reason why my memories come back in blocks is the Lord’s way of letting me handle them a few at a time, so I don’t lose faith. Many of them have shaken my faith, including the one of abuse by my grandfather and his use of the Bible to justify it (that was a really bad one). I think I would go totally crazy if I suddenly got them all back at once.
      He was merciful in the restoration of my memories, and I have become stronger in my faith because of them. One really bad memory that I got back was that my best friend had comitted suicide in 1984. But in this recall, He allowed me to find his grave, which I finally visited after 31 years. While I was there, the Holy Spirit told me he had a brother and his name. When I looked up the name on the internet, I found him pastoring a church in Houston.
      I contacted him and we talked for a while and he forgave me for not going to the funeral. Steve had no idea who I was, but sensed that I needed this so I could begin healing, to go through the mourning process.
      The memories, both good and bad, serve His purpose, to draw me closer to Him.


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