I have been celibate for twelve years now. But the question I had to ask was why. I was too pissed off at God (all gays go to hell) to have become so on my own. I wasn’t part of some church; in fact you couldn’t have paid me to attend, except for the occasional obligatory Christmas and Easter service, and even then I was only going through the motions, to be seen as one of the faithful. So why did I become celibate?
I had a stroke in September of 2012, where my memory was totally erased. I get memories back all the time, some of which I don’t want, but never the less, they are a part of me. Quite often they occur in blocks, and I remember them as if they had happened yesterday, even though I know they occurred twenty or thirty years ago. This is how I found out I was gay. A couple of weeks ago, I got back the memory why I became celibate.
It wasn’t just an event. I had just cheated on my wife with Jason, and when I told him it could never happen again he let me know that I was only good for sex. But that event was only the start of my celibacy. What happened a few weeks later was darker, something that the LGBT community will rarely talk about.
Back in 2004 I worked at a TV station as a master control operator. I was a button pusher. Yes, it’s more involved than that, but just the same it amounts to pushing buttons. One of the on screen personalities was also a homosexual. I will call him “Geoff”. He was unabashed in his demeanor, flamboyantly bragging about his lifestyle. One time I made a pass at him, and the only reason he declined was that he felt that two employees shouldn’t have a relationship.
Geoff was away for a couple of days, something which I attributed to the flu. As he was a personality and I was just a button pusher, I thought that it was beyond my pervue and didn’t give it much thought. When Geoff returned, he looked pale and was walking funny. I asked him how he was and where he had been. I could see that there was something wrong.
Geoff laughed as if it was no big deal and said that he just got out of the hospital. Curious, I asked for what, thinking maybe it was a sprained ankle or something. He was walking funny after all. Flamboyantly, almost with pride, he told me (and I am censoring what he actually said, as it is way too graphic) that his rectum had been pulled out and had been hanging between his legs.
I was horrified. He laughed and told me it wasn’t the first time it had happened; normally when he went to the hospital after sex was for bleeding. I was kind of in shock about the whole thing. Yes, I had been getting away from the life style, and Jason was the only person I was with every once in a while. But what if this happened to me? How would I explain it to my family? How would I live down the shame of knowing what had happened? And what if I had HIV?
So I began a life of celibacy, out of self preservation, rather than some religious nonsense. But the first eight years were extremely difficult, and there were a few times I almost gave in to my passions. Then the stroke happened and my memories were wiped out. I discovered again that I was gay through examining my internet browsing history. Apart from the anger I felt, I began continuing the celibacy I began, this time through the Lord.
It isn’t easy, physically wanting one thing, spiritually wanting another. I don’t do this to satisfy some religion, nor do I do it necessarily out of self preservation. I have a vivid imagination and picturing Geoff still gives me the shudders. And while this plays a part of my celibacy, I do it for God.