The life we lead follows a strange path. Most of the time we cannot even begin to predict where it will go. It is full of twists and turns, with a predictability that only one who knows chaos theory can appreciate. I never expected where I would be led.
God brought me back to Him (more like He drug me back kicking and screaming, because I was too angry with Him about being gay). I learned who I was and what I had done. I learned that I was forgiven, despite what I had done. I learned that, despite the propaganda of the LGBT community and the media, that not all Christians hated me. I learned that salvation cannot be earned, it is through grace only. I learned to think of God as more than the portrayal of Hollywood as a smiter of sinners. I learned to love myself as God loves me. All these things are well and good, but they were in preparation to send me back out.
I was content for the first time in my troubled life. I was with my Father, and it felt better than anything else in my life; and I was content to stay there. I wanted to live a life of anonymity, to forget what I had done, to wait for Him to bring me home forever. But that wasn’t God’s plan.
In January of this year (2016), our youth pastor allowed a young man of fourteen to speak. It was an act of courage I had never seen. He announced to the whole congregation that he was gay and that could we pray for him. I was shocked, to say the least. I had believed the lies of the LGBT community and thought I was the only gay who believed in God. The young man was obviously upset (and why not? His whole world had been shattered from the false promise that if you loved Jesus, everything would be fine) (it isn’t, nor does the Bible promise that).
I got up and tried to hurry to him, but I am slow due to the stroke and missed the boy. But I did let the youth minister and the pastor of the church know about my past and I would be willing to help. I began counseling the family, speaking about the realities of the only gay life and its horrors. They had been under the Baptist (they are big here) delusion that they could just pray the gay away. God can and does work miracles all the time, and while He could make the boy straight, it was likely that this is something he would have to live with until he goes Home.
Something happened that day. I think it was when that I realized that instead of the pity party that had been my life, I could help others to not make the same mistakes I had. I told some people I was same sex attracted. Not everyone. I never want again to fall into the trap of lust because I can’t control my hormones and I told someone. Also, some people can’t handle it. But contrary to the propaganda of the LGBT community, it isn’t done out of hate. Some people have deep seated religious beliefs and find them hard to change. It does not make them bad people, nor do they hate.
You who are reading this blog are doing so because God emboldened me. I have learned to face my fears, to slay my giant. God has taken my past shame and remade it into His strength, to reach out to others who are lost and confused as I was. I am not perfect, but I am God’s child. If I can reach one person who is going through what I have been through, then it all will have been worth it.