Mistaken identity

Years ago, when I finally accepted that I was SSA (gay), I didn’t really question what that meant.   Some of my straight Christian friends would ask why I didn’t choose to be straight.  I would then ask how to be straight.  I didn’t and still don’t have any idea how to be attracted to women.  It is a foreign concept to me.  But as I delved head first into the gay life style, I realized that is where I didn’t want to be either.

My main problem was that I wasn’t asking God where He wanted me to be.

I didn’t know God’s plans for me, and I was certainly too pissed off about being gay to ask Him. I tried to find my own way trying to please the god of Hollywood, who was always busy smiting someone.  The false god of Hollywood only presented condemnation and that I was going to hell (Bill Cosby as the devil scared the crap out of me as a kid (thanks Disney)).

I am about to begin my twelfth year of celibacy from my desires. The first eight years were hardest, because I was doing it without God, but trying to please Him all the same, so maybe I wouldn’t go to hell.  But that was all crap.  Thankfully God sent the stroke, which wiped out my memory of being gay, working in the sex industry, my mentally abusive boyfriend; allowing me to come back to Him.  Was I still pissed off?  Absolutely, but I didn’t have the foggiest idea why.

I was able to trust Him with my past. I am still a work in progress, but I am no longer the person that believed he was God’s pet faggot.  In dealing with diametrical opposed views of homosexuality and Christianity, I found Matt Moore’s website (http://www.moorematt.org/).  He too is a recovering homosexual.

Someone on the site suggested (wisely) that I stop referring to myself as ‘gay’, but as ‘same sex attracted’. They were right.  ‘Gay’ suggests all kinds of behaviors which I am no longer a part of.  I do not wear ladies clothes (well not in 25 years), I don’t have a boyfriend, I am not militant, I do not march in gay pride parades, I do not go out to gay clubs.  Yes, I am still inclined towards the same sex, but I don’t entertain the thoughts and certainly don’t act on them.

I thank the Living God for sending me the stroke. He has made my celibacy much easier.  I have been celibate for twelve years now.  I pray for twelve more.

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