Some things seem to start off so good and then turn in to a nightmare. For me this was pornography. Being in the hospital from the stroke forced me to quit many of my addictions, which I didn’t even know I had. Salt was definitely out, as my addiction to that likely lead to my stroke. I would think nothing of eating a whole bag of potato chips, after polishing off six chili cheese dogs and a mess of fries. Aside from my massive weight gain, it was no wonder my blood pressure was so high. But right now I could go for an entire plate of fries…
My sugar intake alone should have been enough to kill me. I’m lucky (blessed) that my pancreas didn’t go into shock. You never saw me without a Coke in my hand and I was always eating candy, my favorite being chocolate. This also contributed to my weight gain, as did video games. I never got off the stupid computer, being almost obsessed with Star Trek Online, Rollercoaster Tycoon, Sim City and anything else you threw my way. Before then was Nintendo and Atari. The stroke ended all that though, as I had neither the coordination to play those games nor the cognitive abilities. I couldn’t even see the screen due to double vision. But pornography though…
I was thirteen the first time I ever saw nudie magazine. My cousin found it under his dad’s bed. While he was fascinated at seeing all the naked girls, I didn’t care so much (my homosexual tendencies were already manifesting). When I was finally able to buy my own, they were usually behind the counter of the local convenience store, which was run by a grandmotherly type, and that alone was enough to dissuade me. There was a place about ten miles outside of town that sold them , but as I was on a bicycle, it wasn’t worth the effort.
My uncle showed me my first porno film, because he was uncomfortable talking to me about sex. I was immediately disgusted seeing a woman naked for the first time. My same sex attraction only increased, and became even more interested in men. I became a habitual masturbator.
The first porno film I ever saw on my own was with a roommate, who was having marital problems. We watched it. I won’t go in to details about what happened but we wound up having sex. The material we watched had done its job well, enticed us and then brought us to deviance. He eventually got divorced, came to the Lord and the last I heard, entered the ministry. Me, not so much.
Then came the internet. At first you had to pay, and as I was on a tight budget, I couldn’t afford to get my jollies off. The problem came when they started offering it for free (of course you had to put up with internet ads). Still though I thought it was worth it, as I was trying to get away from living the gay lifestyle, but express my same-sex attraction. It was bad. I couldn’t get through the day without at least one view of the material. It was usually late at night after the kids were in bed and my wife had gone off to work.
I had the same addiction that my father had to alcohol and my mother had to drugs. Mine was worse in many ways, because there was no substance to wean my body off of. My addiction was one of the mind and soul. I was in slavery to it. The stroke erased all memory of this, but I got it back just a couple of months later. I would like to say that I got right with God and turned my life around and never did it again, but again that would be a lie. My body had been conditioned to expect it, almost demand it.
But I had made a start, recognizing it for what it was: slavery. Saying that I would never watch it again was one thing. Actually carrying through with it was something else, and quite often I failed. But sometimes I succeeded too. A few times I went a few weeks without viewing, and then I would fail and go right back into the habit. My greatest success was a full four months, but I failed again a couple of weeks ago.
I’m going to bed soon, so I don’t get lured in again.