After the stroke, my memory recovery occurred in blocks. There were whole sections of my life that were an utter void, then someone would say something or I would find a picture and poof! Another piece of my life was restored. This is how I discovered that I was a part of the ‘Weird’ Al Yankovich fan club on Facebook. This was how I found out that I was gay.
All it took was a look at my browsing history on the internet, the pornographic sites I visited, and poof!, that aspect came back. It was suddenly as though it had all happened the day before: all the guys I had dated and had in my bed; the fight I had with Paul; the guy who offered me money if I continued to have sex with him; roommates; coworkers; Jason. I was almost too ashamed to go back to church. Then another memory manifested itself…the idea that I had been brought up with: that all gays go to hell.
I would love to say that I pulled myself up by my bootstraps, forgot my past, loved Jesus and lived happily ever after – but that would be a lie. I got angry again. In fact I was pissed! I didn’t seek out gay sex again, but I indulged with gay pornographic material, to spite God. I masturbated to them. This is not a confession, just the honest facts. I was saved, so why was I still gay?
After the deed was done and I cleaned up the mess, I felt bad. Really bad. I should have been dead from the stroke, but I was alive. Did God have a warped sense of humor? God had provided me and my family with money to pay our bills and groceries so we could eat. Was he just toying with His pet faggot? Why was I even blessed with a wife and kids? Was this some kind of sick divine joke?
I didn’t have the answers, and neither did the LGBT community. They were all warm and fuzzy, and scientific evidence said it was perfectly natural for me to be gay, and that I should just accept myself. Was this the same science that said I was evolved from a monkey – excuse me – ape-like creature that cannot be proven to exist, but had to, otherwise scientists would look like douches? And what was the deal with trangenders? Shouldn’t they just accept themselves and not get mutilated?
I went back to church, feeling guilty, feeling as though God hated me. I wasn’t depressed (I had been delivered from that by God), but I was conflicted, my body wanting one thing and my soul wanting another.
Our pastor delivered that Sunday on the nature of sin (he does not preach fire and brimstone). He let us know that we are ALL depraved individuals, and that ALL come short of His glory (Romans 3:23). My sins were not greater that anybody else’s and could be forgiven (Matthew 5:21-28), but I had to be of a repentant spirit. He later delivered sermons on Paul and how he lamented his sin nature (Romans 7:15-20). We are all worthy of judgment (Romans 1:28-32) but can be saved through Jesus Christ (John 3:16).
But I had addictions…