Looking for God in all the wrong places

So I was gay.  I had been pulled out of the fires of hell that was the gay lifestyle.  I (mostly)lived apart from my desires.  I wasn’t going to hell (although I thought I might) because I was still attracted to guys (still am) even though I had been promised God would make me straight.  Had I done something to anger Him?

I was too bitter about not being delivered from being gay and too angry from the perception that all Christians thought I was going to hell (Fred Phelps didn’t help any), so I wouldn’t go back to church.  As a believer though, I still hungered after God and tried to appease Him.  Maybe then He would make me straight.

I learned Hebrew and could read it quite well; the speaking part not so much, as there aren’t many Jews here (this is Baptist country).  I learned Biblical history and knew the history of Noah and how they repopulated the Earth (I don’t buy into all that evolution nonsense).  I studied all the kings of Israel and Judah, even as I continued to bed down with Jason.

I identified a lot with Mary Magdalene because I had almost become a prostitute myself.  I studied a lot of eschatology (study of prophecy) and was very informed on many theories of who the Antichrist was (Bill Clinton was a popular candidate and was Saddam Hussein).  I read every conspiracy theory about the Illuminati, the Rothschilds, the New World Order, the Prophecy Club.

For a while I was a good little republican (not anything anymore).  I opposed higher taxes and more government control, hated abortion (still do).  I went to church on the obligatory holidays like Easter and Christmas.  So why was I still gay?  I assumed (wrongly) that I was God’s bastard child.  Yeah, He acknowledged me from a distance, but since I was the only gay Christian he was keeping Himself distant from me.  I mean, how could God love a faggot like me?  I certainly wouldn’t.  I couldn’t even keep from being with Jason, even though by this time I was married.

I was in for one rude awakening on September 24, 2012…

 

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