Discovering I was same sex attracted (I’m trying to get away from the habit of saying I am gay) was not easy, especially in West Texas. Here, you are expected to love football, you are expected to be masculine, you are expected to be married to a girl five minutes after you get out of high school. If you aren’t or don’t comply, then God help you.
I knew I was different by the age of twelve, but I couldn’t exactly put my finger on why. Everybody else seemed to know but didn’t bother to tell me. This is why when I asked my grandmother what a faggot was (I had been called this at school several times) I got my mouth washed out with soap. I still didn’t know what that meant, but it must not be good.
In gym class we had to get undressed and get into our gym clothes. I was suddenly petrified as I suddenly found myself looking at other at the other boys and was terrified I would get aroused. Though I didn’t know God (yet) it had been drilled into my head by my father’s Baptist church (Baptists are real big here in Texas) that all gays go to hell. So I couldn’t be one of those, could I. My best friend David assured me that it was okay and undressed like everyone else. Maybe he knew I was SSA.
So I lived in denial, always knowing I secretly liked guys, pretending I had an attraction to girls (I still have none). And then David killed himself.
At fourteen dealing with the possibility that I might be a homosexual going to hell and the fact that my best friend was in hell for killing himself (thanks to the religiosity of my stepmother) I slid hard into a life of depression for about seven years. My mother couldn’t help me as she was dealing with drug addiction due to her childhood, nor could my father as I resented him and his wife. It was a very miserable time for me. I didn’t resort to drugs like my mother or alcohol like my father, but I discovered that I have an addictive personality just like them. My drug of choice: gay sex.
Of course I never called it that as all gays went to hell. I was just ‘experimenting’. I ‘experimented’ all the time with various other boys. I didn’t lose my actual virginity till I was twenty and you guessed it, it was with a boy – the boy would later become my boyfriend. But I was still depressed though.
I couldn’t figure out why. I finally figured out I was gay and was going to hell for it. I just had the best sex of my life. So what was wrong? I had sin in my life. It wasn’t just that I was gay, but that I hated my stepmother and father, and my grandfather and his wife (not my grandmother). I was doing petty shoplifting. I lied about everything imaginable. I coveted anything that anyone else had. AND I STILL HADN’T GOTTEN OVER DAVID’S DEATH!
I didn’t know another way out so I bought a bunch of Excedrin at K-mart and decided to go the way David did. I very nearly did it too – but then I saw the Bible my father had gotten me just sticking out from the edge of the bed. I mean, what did I need it for? I was going to hell anyway for being gay. I picked it up and kind of leafed through it to the book of Romans chapter 10, verse 9 “That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved.”
It didn’t say anything about being gay.
I was confused. Salvation couldn’t be this simple, could it? God couldn’t save a faggot like me, could He? So I believed. I confessed all my sins. I was crying and begging for God to save me. He did, by putting me to sleep. Number one, it was to keep me from hurting myself. Number two, it was to give the first rest I had had since David’s death. Number three, it was to heal me.
When I woke up the next morning, I knew somthing was different, but I didn’t know what. I had to get ready for work (at that time I was a convienience store clerk). I went and did my thing and walked to work. When I got there, I realized what was different: I WASN’T DEPRESSED ANYMORE! GOD HAD TAKEN ALL MY SADNESS, MY HURT, MY ANGER AND HAD MADE ME A NEW PERSON!
Now I am not saying He took away my sin nature. In fact I still had same sex attraction, I didn’t have to live that way anymore. I was saved! But Satan really went to work on me then…