I didn’t find God in a building with stained glass windows. No Jehovah’s Witnesses or Mormons came knocking on my door. I didn’t find a Bible tract or hear the ramblings of a street preacher. I found God in my cruddy apartment, surrounded by prostitutes and drug addicts. But I had ingested a poison that effected me for twenty years: it was the poison that if I truly was saved I would no longer be gay.
As I have said in other posts, Baptists are real big here in Texas. In fact I go to a Baptist church (old habits die hard). But some of them (not all) insist that if you have truly accepted God then you won’t be gay anymore. And I believed this too.
I was saved, not feeling depressed anymore. A tremendous weight had been lifted from me. I wasn’t obsessed with David’s death anymore. But I still had same sex attraction, which I didn’t understand. I joined the church across the street from my apartment and became a faithful member. I tithed regularly and led two people to Christ. Then some guy would come into the store where I worked, I would wind up looking at his butt and I would wonder why? I was saved, wasn’t I?
About six months or so after I had begun my walk with Christ, a guest speaker came to the church. He was warm and greeted everyone and very congenial. Then the sermon began. It was your usual fire and brimstone sermon, hell and damnation, Sodom and Gomorrah. Then he declared that all gays will burn in hell. That’s it. None of the redemptive promises of Jesus Christ. Now I had heard all this before but I was saved, wasn’t I? Then the congregation gave a hefty ‘amen’ and ‘praise Jesus’. That hurt a lot. All of these people felt this way and I was still attracted to men.
I quit going. Period. I didn’t seek out another church, I just quit. The worst thing was none of them came by to see why I had quit coming. I was too young in my faith to know the truth of the matter. I didn’t know that I was being attacked by Satan. I didn’t know about sin nature and that just because you are saved you will still be tempted to sin. No one bothered to tell me that.
I have a friend who is a recovering drug addict. It has been five years for him since he last smoked meth-amphetamine, but not a day goes by when he doesn’t feel the pull of the drugs. He was saved, but that didn’t mean that God suddenly took away his desire. God can and does work miracles everyday (the fact that I am still here and not dead, is proof of that) (a deadly stroke tends to change your perspective on things). But that doesn’t mean He always does. An adulterer who comes to Christ doesn’t suddenly find that he is no longer attracted women, he resists the temptation to find other women and stays with his wife.
I am same sex attracted. I have no natural attraction to women. I am married to one though (a miracle in itself!) I have come to terms with that. But I hadn’t at the time I heard the sermon. I began backsliding into a dark hell that no human being should ever be involved in…